Queen of Wishful Thinking

I’m listening to Secret Garden by Bruce Springsteen on Google Radio, looking at posts of people graduating on Facebook and realized that I’m still quite disheartened I never had the ability to graduate, or I never managed to do so. I almost started to cry actually. I’m 32 years old and I’m a 2-time college drop out (if you want to give me an educational title). I have my high school diploma but, nothing else aside for a whopping amount of debt; if you’re curious, I won’t pay that bad boy off until I’m almost 50, what’s another 18 years of my life, right?

I know it’s easy to just be instantly negative but sadly, it’s the blunt truth. That’s what happened. I dropped out twice: first time was because I hated the program I was in and couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do in replace of it; I was pressured to go to College right away unlike my original intention of taking a year off. Second time I was so overwhelmed with the program and I was failing, in a bad emotional and physical place that I gave in and left again. Now, I can’t go back to school, at all. OSAP/NSLSC won’t fund me again until I pay my debts off to them and I can’t go to a bank and request a loan due to my financial standing/credit, and anything I were to get from them would have to legally go to OSAP/NSLSC first because of the debts I owe them so – no post-secondary education with diploma for me! I’ll be a senior before I can even try.

Bleh, I guess life will have to educate me huh?

I Don’t Do “Sit Ups”, I do “Sit Downs”

So, my boyfriend decided to email me a “9-Step Diet Checklist to Lose Fat and Build Muscle” the other day while at work, as this is the typical means we converse while we’re both working during the day. Apparently he wants to sign us both up for a local gym as well as its just down the street from where we live. My weight has been a subject he’s brought up a few times now; kinda not a fan of the fact it’s a subject at all as he’s quite obviously more “bothered” by it than I am. I don’t believe he’s commenting out of being an asshole, it’s more out of health and concern I guess? Anyway, it’s been a subject that’s been floating around since last Saturday.

His brother has always been “buff” and my boyfriend’s stature doesn’t quite allow that since he’s quite skinny; can’t bulk up easily without substance assistance. Apparently he’s taken it upon himself to be my “personal trainer”.

Again, if you can’t catch on – I’m not anywhere near as concerned as he is. Quite bluntly: I don’t care. I work 8hrs/day, 5 days/week. I’m tired when I get home. I’m in charge of cleaning the house. By the time I get finished work, quite frankly exercise is the LAST thing on my mind. I don’t know. I just… really I don’t care. I can’t repeat that enough. I’ve never been super small anyway.. I’ve been a size 12 since I was young and haven’t quite fluctuated from that size for a few decades now. I think the smallest I’ve been was a size 8 when I was in high school but I also was far more active as I’d literally run around my high school for 45 minutes a day, 5 days a week while there, betting people that if they could catch me (basically tag) I’d buy them lunch or if they couldn’t, they’d owe me instead. Depression. Adulthood. Life. That crap got in the way after than and my weight just changed?

Somehow, out of all this, I’m almost offended. Actually, at certain points, I’m very offended. I’ve always been a firm believer of accepting people for who they are and my weight was a subject once with my ex but he also was mentally and emotionally abusing me on the regular so you can tell why my reaction is the way it is. Not really a positive one. I don’t deal with that shit in any way. Never felt I was fat either, even at my heaviest of almost 160lbs.

I can tell that my BF is treading with the subject lightly as I’m quick to set off but I still can’t help but mutter to myself in my head a bunch of negativity and how I don’t want to do this, don’t care, and rather just quietly keep to myself and be left alone. Don’t think that’ll happen unless I get really aggravated and blow a fuse.

Should be interesting.

Random 

I just got a call from OLG Slots offering me an opportunity to have a job interview. Sadly, I’m working at my other job with Duplicators kn Monday. I don’t even remember applying for the job so I should probably look into the job. 

I’ve been playing Diablo 3 on my PS4 so now we own every version of the game on every console it was released. Gotta say I love this game. I’ve beaten it so many times it’s hilarious. Oddly enough, I’m not bored of it.

My last day at Dollarama is on Sunday and I can liw, I’m concerned about my financial situ5as I won’t be getting paychecks every week. We’ll give it a chance and hope for the best.

Traversing the Unknown..

So, it’s officially my last day at Dollarama on April 9th. This weekend is my boyfriend’s 30th birthday and we’re planning to take him out for dinner (Swiss Chalet) and then to the OLG Slots since we couldn’t afford to drive to Casino Rama in Orilla, ON. Ah well, we’ll make the most of it.

Random segway: I’m going to try to use contour makeup on my face and see if I don’t look utterly ridiculous. I’ve never used it and I’ve purchased cheap shit from Dollarama to test it out. I’m even using WikiHow to get “tutorials”. Sad huh? My Mom had 3 brothers… I wasn’t really raised to be “girly”. A lot of what I do to my face has been trial and error anyway or plain, flat-out mimicry. Hopefully it’ll work out but I’m not sure if I have the patients to sit and fart around with makeup for that long – I enjoy sleep far too much and it takes a lot of effort to put on and take off.

I’m not quite sure what to expect really. I have concealer… I think? I haven’t the slightest idea really. Not even really sure where to buy this shit as I usually get my makeup at Walmart like a classy-ass lady. Eh, maybe I’ll travel yonder mall tomorrow and see what I come across.

Night! It’s 12:30am.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes 

So, in March were I got an ultimatum from my initial and main job at Dollarama that they don’t work around other schedules and I had to make a choice between them and my second job at Duplicators. So, I gave my verbal notice – I quit.

I would have stayed but when my boss defended me because I wasn’t getting enough hours to live and had to get a second job. My district manager said that it “wasn’t her problem”. Nice huh? 

Anyway, the last day there will be April 9th. 

From my prior posts, some of my financial issues are dealt with thanks to the Canadian Red Cross CHPI program. I am officially caught up on my rent aside for April’s which is upcoming in a few days.

We’re experiencing a freezing rain … storm? Lots of ice and I can barely walk around; I fell and have the bruises on my butt and left leg I gained today. Feels wonderful.

Well, time to relax with a sick boyfriend.

Financial Woes $$$

Ugh, it’s been a rough few months. I’m about a month behind in my rent, possibly going in to two months behind simply because we’re waiting for our Income Tax to come in and get that settled. What has happened is that our prior employers have limited our hours and I’ve personally had to get two jobs and my other half has had to quit and start over with a new job. It’s just basically playing catch-up now.

I’ve never been so physically exhausted and lethargic though. I’m a supervisor/key holder at one job which exhausts me alone simply because I do a lot of heavy lifting, up/down ladders and customer service. My other part-time job is oddly a little more, relaxed? I’m not sure how to explain it as it’s at a copy centre (a smaller one) like when I worked for Staples Canada as their Copy & Print Centre Lead but, not as insane. In this case, I don’t work alone and aside for their price points being VASTLY different and their capabilities in production in-house a lot different, I enjoy it. My boss is quite nice and considerate too which is probably very helpful as well.

On the positive side today, I got to meet my bosses’ two little puppers; so cute! Cheered me right up. They’re an interesting breed: chihuahua/mini greyhound? Not sure exactly but they’re mutts and adorable ones at that.

Well, I guess all I can really do is be as positive and patient as I possibly can since freaking out about it isn’t really going to help me much.

Wanted: Junk Food

Uh, being an adult sucks. Bills are piling up and I haven’t gotten any groceries in a while because of it. I don’t really want get in to details but I’m trying to be as positive as I can about the situation.

I’ve jokingly stated that I need a sugar daddy because of it. The biggest thing that bugs me right now is that I really want snacks and specifically, chocolate.

Ah well, perhaps I should bake some brownies to quell my cravings.